Is Your Defiant Child Actually Gifted?
Spirited kids are often ridiculously smart. The reason for this is plain.
"Because I said so" doesn't work for a highly intelligent little person. Neither does "Last one in bed is a rotten egg." They are more likely to question back, "Why does that even matter ? I don't care if I'm a rotten egg!"
Smart kids are also unlikely to be swayed by material rewards, like the promise of a special treat, because they often have a strong ability to delay gratification. The gratification of being right or getting their own way can be more powerful than candy or screen time and can sustain them for hours, days, or weeks. Their ability to "just not care" about the consequences is actually quite profound. And boy, do smart kids know how to “manipulate” others.
When parents tell me that their bright child is profoundly defiant, I ask myself: "Is this child actually gifted?"
When I use the word "gifted" I don't mean "gets straight As." Like children of all neurotypes, gifted children can struggle academically when they are bored, anxious, struggling to fit in socially, or feeling disliked by teachers. Sometimes boredom causes them to space out in class or refuse homework. Sometimes another exceptionality, such as ADHD, autism or dyslexia, “camouflages” the giftedness. Sometimes gifted kids aren’t focused, motivated over-achievers. Gifted children of Color, from working families, and non-native English speakers are less likely to be flagged by school systems as “gifted.” Also, consider that some gifted children are exceptionally bright in areas that standardized education doesn't cater to, such as spacial relationships, advanced physics, robotics, or poetry. So while a child fails English and obsessively plays Minecraft all through grade school, we might not see until graduate school that they actually have an incredible gift for computer programming.
Some gifted kids will sail through school, bringing home a 4.0+ GPA while rarely studying or completing homework. School’s a breeze. But there's a costly price to pay, emotionally.
Kids who don’t experience enough failure and frustration can become young people who feel afraid to try new things. . . they can feel empty, lifeless, and lost.
We build grit through surviving failure after failure and pushing hard to succeed. Through this experience of falling down, we learn how to rise. We find our feet and learn our strength. We come to understand that failure is a normal part of learning, not something extraordinary, not something to fear or avoid. Easy success does not build confidence. It just doesn't. No matter how many "A+" papers a child brings home or how much praise they earn, without intellectual struggle and turmoil, gifted kids can easily fall prey to anxiety, depression, and existential grief. This can look like "just not caring" about school, flunking out, or worse.
Gifted kids need to be engaged in something educational that absolutely fascinates and frustrates them. They need to struggle. They need to experience the failure, curiosity, and sense of wonder that their same-aged peers feel at school most days. They need to build grit and perseverance.
If a child’s gifts are not being tapped into at school, you may have to find a special avenue to help them. This might be an engaging extracurricular activity, a class at a local community college, or a course online. It also might mean advocating for your child at school with teachers, changing schools, skipping grades, or homeschooling.
While therapy can be an important piece of the puzzle, therapy alone cannot solve this problem. Your child is not broken; they need different environmental supports! If you are feeling overwhelmed and would like a professional to walk beside you as you get this sorted, please reach out to me. I love helping children thrive!
Danielle Maxon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the State of North Carolina. She has over a decade of clinical experience working with children and families.
In August of 2015 she created her private practice, Under Wing Therapeutic Services, PLLC, which offers attachment-based therapy for parents and children. Danielle specializes in working with gifted, twice-exceptional, and neurodivergent families.