4 Easy Ways to Set Limits for Your Child- Without Saying "No"!
Ah, "no." If you're like most of the parents I work with, this one little word, directed at a certain sweet little child, can metaphorically set fire to your entire day, transforming your once peaceful home into a hellscape.
Sometimes, a "hard no" is necessary. When a child intentionally hurts someone or destroys property or runs out into traffic, a hard no is necessary. But today I'm here to talk about all the times when the hard no can be softened or entirely avoided. There are many, many opportunities for this. If your child struggles to accept no, you need to find ways to slowly challenge this developing ability (Remember that most adults don't like to hear no, either!)
Here are some ideas to test out with your child:
1. "YES!"
This may not be a popular opinion, but I think adults say no far too often, and when we say yes, it's often a qualified yes. A "yes" that's really saying, "Yes, but do you realize how much this is really taking out of me? You better be on your best behavior the rest of tonight!" or "Yes, but only for a few minutes, and I won't be participating." I think there are times we say no because we're tired and we don't want to deal with the messy, exhausting, or emotional aspects of caregiving. Sometimes, the real trick is to rally and give an enthusiastic "YES!" Each time we say "YES!" we are building up a sort of emotional bank account from which to draw later on when we are forced to say no. You might be surprised at how your child's excited, beaming smile and gratitude refuels your energy level, too.
2. "That's a great idea sweetie! Right now, we are. . ."
Keeping an upbeat, positive attitude and tone (and expecting this to work!), praise your child for their creative idea, and continue to insist on the current order of things, instead of saying no and jumping right smack into the middle of a power struggle. For example, your child begs you to stay up until 10pm on a school night. You could go straight into lecture mode, "No, of course we can't do that because you'll be tired tomorrow at school, blah blah blah blah" (You do realize this is white noise to your child, right?) Or you could try out, "Oooooooooooh! Staying up late is an exciting and a really fun idea! You are so fun! I love that brain of yours! Right now it's bedtime, so we need to turn out the lights." This approach captures and creates goodwill between you and your child, softening the blow of the limit. Sometimes this is all your child needs to move on.
3. "I love your idea, let's try it this way. . ."
Encourage your child's dream- and put your adult leadership and structure around it.
Let's say you look out your window to see your child is using chalk all over your neighbor's driveway. Instead of "What do you think you're doing?! Stop that right now!!!" you might try, "Ooooooh WOW!! Chalk is a great idea! What fun! Let's use the chalk in our own driveway, right here. Our neighbor might have a different plan for his driveway. We need to ask his permission first."
Your child begs and pleads for a sleepover as you pick up from a playdate. "Sounds like you've been having so much fun! Of course we can do a sleepover, that's a wonderful idea! I'll talk with your friend’s parents and make a plan, maybe even for this upcoming weekend!"
Or say your child is playing ball in the living room. Instead of, "No, we absolutely do not play ball in the living room. How many times have I told you this? Don't you remember last week when you. . .blah blah blah blah (white noise)" Try, "I love that I have such an active little girl. This ball is for outside. Do you want to play outside, or choose a different toy?" Which brings me to. . .
4. Use choices to soften the "no."
Kids can't make up all the rules. It's not healthy for them and a lack of limits breeds anxious, defiant, unhappy kiddos. But children can and should learn to handle "kid sized" amounts of power and control. Pivoting quickly from a "hard no" into a choice is easier than it may seem and will support your child in staying well-regulated.
"We're not going to skip straight to dessert without veggies. Would you like to eat 10 bites of carrots, or 5 bites of carrots and 5 bites of broccoli?"
"It's not ok to play tug-of-war with your brother over that toy. Would you like to take turns, 5 minutes each, or play a different game together?"
"We really need to brush our teeth every night before bed. Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting on your pajamas?"
If you are finding you and your child in a series of constant “nos” and tantrums, I hope you’ll reach out to your community, family and friends for more support, and know that professional support is available, too!
Danielle Maxon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the State of North Carolina. She has over a decade of clinical experience working with children and families.
In August of 2015 she created her private practice, Under Wing Therapeutic Services, PLLC, which offers attachment-based therapy for parents and children. Danielle specializes in working with gifted, twice-exceptional, and neurodivergent families.