3 Powerful Strategies to Help Gifted Kids with Emotional Overexcitability
Most kids, regardless of neurotype, have big, messy emotions, including some major tantrums, as they calibrate to life. This is just part of growing up.
However, if you have a gifted child with emotional overexcitability (OE), the word “intense” may feel like a massive understatement. For this group of kids, feelings tend to be awakened more readily and experienced as more all-consuming, profound, and persistent. Emotional OE isn’t a disorder, a diagnosis, or anything that needs “fixing.” It’s a neurological/nervous system variation that gifted kids “grow into” rather than grow out of; it will always be part of who they are. With the right support, emotional OE can become the foundation of an emotional landscape—a life— that is rich, colorful, deep, and gorgeously layered. It can also make a parent’s job quite challenging!
We may understand that applying a “toughen up” or “don’t be mad (anxious, sad, etc.)” attitude leads nowhere good for kids. We may know that co-regulating our children, staying with them through their difficult emotions and offering empathy and support, is essential for their development. It’s the best way to help kids not only calm down in the present, but also develop resiliency, self-regulation, and attachment security (the foundation of good mental health) well into the future. Co-regulation is wildly important, but that doesn’t make it easy. Especially with a child whose feelings are more frequent, intense, and long-lasting!
There is no “one right way” to help a devastated, irate, frenzied, or otherwise emotionally overwhelmed child, but here are 4 ideas to experiment with in your parenting:
Emotional Resonance
Emotional resonance is #1 because it’s the most important! This involves using our face, body, posture, and tone of voice to “hold” a child’s feeling, without becoming emotionally capsized ourselves. We stay calm on the inside while matching or mirroring our child on the outside. This process helps our child “feel felt” and understood, organized, and no longer all alone in their big feeling. I’ve written about emotional resonance before.
In my experience, there is no strategy that will be truly regulating for a child if the adult applying it is frustrated, anxious, or otherwise not regulated themselves. This part, the “getting regulated ourselves”—especially during a child’s big upset— is key.
Attachment-based therapy supports parents in soothing or deactivating their own habitual nervous system reactions to their child’s ups and downs. This, in turn, frees up emotional space for parents to support kids in new ways. If you find yourself routinely overwhelmed or flooded during your child’s big feelings, attachment-oriented therapy might be just the thing!
Sensory Co-Regulation
Many gifted children with emotional OE also have sensory OE, meaning that their sensory processing is highly, highly attuned and sensitive (cue, meltdowns over the blasted sock seams and scratchy shirt tags!)
Sensory input during periods of emotional overwhelm can be extremely grounding and organizing, or agitating and provocative, depending on the type of input and the moment. It’s essential to tune in to your child’s body language and ask your child about types of sensory input they find calming before they are upset. Here’s a list of possible sensory soothers to start your brainstorming together:
-Giving your child a hug or deep pressure massage
-Getting under a soft and/or weighted blanket together
-Petting the cat, dog, guinea pig, etc.
-Placing an ice pack (wrapped in a soft cotton towel) on your child’s forehead, chest, or back of neck
-Singing a lullaby or rhythmic song together
-Holding lovely textured objects in your hands (stone, polished stone, seashell, stress ball, etc.)
-Drinking cold water, juice, applesauce, yogurt, etc. through a straw; drinking hot chocolate or hot tea
-Eating something chewy, like jerky, fruit leather, bread crusts, etc.
-Diffusing aromatherapy oils (be sure to check for child-safe blends)
If you think that your child may be having sensory-related meltdowns, it is best to consult with an Occupational Therapist who specializes in sensory integration for more individualized tools, strategies, and exercises. This can be a huge game-changer!
Bilateral Stimulation and Movement
Doing things that stimulate each side of the body/brain, back and forth in a rhythmic way, can assist with coping. This is the foundation of a type of therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Rhythmic and repetitive movement is also known to support healing from trauma. Exercise in any form can be instrumental for helping a child in distress to “move through” a strong emotion, get unstuck, or simply release stress. Here are some ideas:
-Walking and counting steps up to 100 (for the math whizzes, count backwards from 100, or backwards from 100 by 3s or 4s)
-Holding a child’s hands or shoulders and squeezing one and then the other, slowly and rhythmically
-Playing Simon Says with prompts that involve movements on both sides of the body or cross-body movements
-Roller-blading, dancing, swimming, swinging on the swings, or jumping on a trampoline
If you see your gifted child struggling to “grow into” their emotional OE, I hope you’ll reach out to your community, family, and friends for more support, and know that professional support is available, too. Remember, with your acceptance and nurturing, emotional OE can be a strong foundation for your child’s magnificent, vivid, and emotionally textured life. Emotional OE is an asset, not a flaw!
Danielle Maxon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the State of North Carolina. She has over a decade of clinical experience working with children and families.
In August of 2015 she created her private practice, Under Wing Therapeutic Services, PLLC, which offers attachment-based therapy for parents and children. Danielle specializes in working with gifted, twice-exceptional, and neurodivergent families.