The Many Faces of Perfectionism in Gifted Children
I hope it’s close to common knowledge at this point that most gifted and twice exceptional children wrestle with “the drive to perfect,” the desire, hope, or need to get things just right. Gifted kids are perceptive—sometimes unbelievably so- and it follows that their version of just right is well. . . really, really, really on point. At times this works in their favor, and at other times, it is their undoing.
When I say “perfectionistic child,” many conjure an image of a kid basically trembling with anxiety, erasing and re-writing their name over and over and over again, tears streaming silently down their face. And sometimes, yes, perfectionism can look that way. But perfectionism can also be a bit less straightforward. Here are some other ways it can look:
1. Refusing to try new things.
This is a kiddo who, when it comes to trying something new, presents as very angry, defiant, oppositional, or just plain floppy (you know what I mean, that gelatinous state kids enter when all their bones suddenly go liquid, and they are impossible to hold).
They might refuse to put tights and shoes on before their longed-for ballet class or just completely shut down and stonewall you (stop talking) as you attempt to convince and cajole them out the door for soccer. Your child may present elaborate, detailed, and well-thought-through “reasons” as to why they don’t want to take swimming lessons or try out watercolor painting, but the underlying emotional reason is this: “I’m afraid I’ll be no good at this, and if I’m no good at it, why even bother trying.”
2. Giving up on a new skill after one or two tries.
Many gifted and twice exceptional children are used to attaining new skills with little effort. Some teach themselves to read and do mathematics at 2 or 3 years old, then spend the Elementary school years in a state of near perpetual boredom, sailing through everything under the glow of constant praise. Failure, frustration, correction, and making multiple attempts don’t feel like an everyday part of learning, but something scary to be avoided.
So, your child might give TaeKwonDo one or two goes, and if they still can’t do the moves perfectly, they’re ready to quit. Your child’s impulse to give up is not because they don’t like TaeKwonDo. It’s because they aren’t familiar with the feeling of failure. They haven’t yet figured out how to accommodate for frustration and multiple attempts as a normal part of learning. They may feel threatened by the level of challenge that this process represents, with their self-concept based on being “naturally and easily good at things.”
3. Working or creating very, very slowly.
Some perfectionistic children are able to get started on a project, but in their effort to do it just right, they work at a sloth’s pace. This may result in not completing their work on time, doing poorly on exams, or being placed in the wrong differentiated math or reading group. Your child’s perfectionism can hold them back from learning at a skill level that is appropriate for their abilities and reinforce the idea that slowly and carefully is best (which is only true some of the time!)
4. Working or creating in a joyless way.
If a child works on school assignments, extracurriculars, or even “fun” projects in a way that feels agitated, gloomy, or too serious, perfectionism may be lurking.
Maybe your young child compulsively edits their book report, insisting that “it’s terrible” with a cold grimace. Maybe your child spends 4 hours a night on homework— not because they truly have to or even want to, but because they feel driven to get all As, no matter the cost. They’re held hostage by the need to be perfect, sacrificing their joy and all their free time in the process.
Perfectionism prevents children from the messy, magical and playful work of learning, which ideally is full of frustration, failure, gentle corrections, laughing at oneself, passion, joy, exhilaration and perseverance. Perfectionism prevents children from exploring their world and trying new things. Perfectionism prevents children from knowing and loving their true self, a self that definitely isn’t perfect, but is multifaceted, lovely, and human: perfectly imperfect.
If you see your child struggling with perfectionism, I hope you’ll reach out to your community, family, and friends for more support, and know that professional support is available, too. Don’t let perfectionism hold your child back from all the world has to offer!
Danielle Maxon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the State of North Carolina. She has over a decade of clinical experience working with children and families.
In August of 2015 she created her private practice, Under Wing Therapeutic Services, PLLC, which offers attachment-based therapy for parents and children. Danielle specializes in working with gifted, twice-exceptional, and neurodivergent families.